Every time I think I'm getting the hang of this, and that maybe a pattern is forming, and I feel some confidence building up inside me, I am completely thrown for a loop. The pattern that I thought I saw was nothing but a coincidence and I can FORGET the notion of getting the hang of it. This whole emotional process, (which sometimes happens even once a day) makes me shrink down into my dirty comfy pants and my spit up stained robe and weep. If my husband happens to be home during one of these episodes, I think about what I must look like and then my weeping turns to straight-up sobbing. Thank God he usually walks over, puts his arms around me, and tells me what a good job I'm doing. I seriously couldn't do this without him. I have a very deep admiration for those of you ladies attempting this feat on your own.
My husband had the day off today and was planning on packing some boxes and cleaning up our weed infested back yard (I haven't had much time for my garden in the past ten months...). He had to go to the PX (The Army Post Exchange, otherwise known as the sad excuse for a department store) to pick up some weed killer. Not once in the two years I have lived here have I wanted to go to the PX so badly. I felt a burning desire to get out of the house. The boy and I usually go for a walk in the afternoons if the weather permits and I'm not in too much pain, but it's not the same as actually going for a ride in the car and being in public. I fed the cub, smeared half a bottle of concealer onto the dark, sunken circles beneath my eyes and applied a coat of lip gloss. I ripped a hairbrush through my knotted hair, which is streaked with various grays and put on a pair of Capri pants and a real shirt (not a maternity shirt or bra). I felt like a real woman! I looked in the mirror - and quickly looked away. Not much improved. It was a beautiful day, however, and very nice to get out of the house. The baby behaved wonderfully and we even had time to have lunch at Taco Bell!
Back at the house I nursed again, helped pull some weeds (no weed killer to be found on post), and took a much needed nap. I'm not sure how long I slept, as I try not to look at the clock anymore... but it felt good. I know it will help because I feel a long night coming on. Skipping the coffee tonight in case I get a chance for an hour nap here or there. Looking forward to some online poker, or maybe a good infomercial. Perhaps I will post again in the wee small hours of the morning. And like clockwork, the baby is stirring right now. I DID have time for a grilled cheese sandwich and a nice bath and to finish this entry in between though, which is nice.
