Breastfeeding... What am I Doing???

How does this work.

• People say undress the baby so he will be awake and alert for an efficient nursing session.

My baby falls asleep at the breast without fail almost every single time, regardless of the amount of clothing he has on.  If I undress him, he wakes up, howling, when I try to get his clothes back on.  This makes putting him down after a feeding nearly impossible, so I usually leave him dressed.

I try to keep him awake during feedings by gently tickling him or putting a cool washcloth on his cheek or feet.  Or I interrupt the session for a burp.  This is a lot of work.  Sometimes I'm too tired and I just let him sleep...

•  After a feeding IF he is asleep....

Sometimes I put him in his swing.  During the daytime this is usually effective so that I can accomplish a few things around the house.

Sometimes he is still wide awake.  If I put him in the swing he cries.  So I guess I just have to hold him and rock him until the next feeding?  (Usually the next feeding is a lot sooner than 2 hours when he is awake)

At night I swaddle him and put him in the bassinet.  This is when I, too, go to sleep.

HOWEVER

The past few days he WILL NOT sleep in the bassinet.  He wants to feed constantly.  When he is not on my breast he is fussing or crying.  I have read this is called 'cluster feeding', and I am supposed to go ahead and feed on demand regardless if he is actively eating or just sucking.  This is EXHAUSTING.  I cannot sleep and he is attached to me for hours at a time.  WHEN WILL THIS END???

• People say to pump breast milk in between feedings to have a reserve on hand for Dad or someone else to help out by feeding him with a bottle.

WHEN THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE TIME TO DO THIS.  For one, if I TRY to pump an hour after he nurses, he starts stirring ready to nurse again...so I don't want to pump everything and leave nothing for him!  Also how am I supposed to 'sleep when the baby sleeps' and have time to pump? A week or so ago I was feeling confident about being able to pump quite a bit and we had 3 or 4 bottles with almost 2 oz. of breast milk in the fridge.  Now there are none.  And I have no time because he won't go to sleep long enough to let me.

• People say 'Sleep When the Baby Sleeps'.

I'M NOT ALWAYS TIRED WHEN THE BABY IS SLEEPING!!!  In fact, I find that I'm MOST tired and wanting to sleep when he WON'T SLEEP!!!!

HELP ME PLEASE.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Every time I think I'm getting the hang of this, and that maybe a pattern is forming, and I feel some confidence building up inside me, I am completely thrown for a loop.  The pattern that I thought I saw was nothing but a coincidence and I can FORGET the notion of getting the hang of it.  This whole emotional process, (which sometimes happens even once a day) makes me shrink down into my dirty comfy pants and my spit up stained robe and weep.  If my husband happens to be home during one of these episodes, I think about what I must look like and then my weeping turns to straight-up sobbing.  Thank God he usually walks over, puts his arms around me, and tells me what a good job I'm doing.  I seriously couldn't do this without him.  I have a very deep admiration for those of you ladies attempting this feat on your own.

My husband had the day off today and was planning on packing some boxes and cleaning up our weed infested back yard (I haven't had much time for my garden in the past ten months...).  He had to go to the PX (The Army Post Exchange, otherwise known as the sad excuse for a department store) to pick up some weed killer.  Not once in the two years I have lived here have I wanted to go to the PX so badly.  I felt a burning desire to get out of the house.  The boy and I usually go for a walk in the afternoons if the weather permits and I'm not in too much pain, but it's not the same as actually going for a ride in the car and being in public.  I fed the cub, smeared half a bottle of concealer onto the dark, sunken circles beneath my eyes and applied a coat of lip gloss. I ripped a hairbrush through my knotted hair, which is streaked with various grays and put on a pair of Capri pants and a real shirt (not a maternity shirt or bra).  I felt like a real woman! I looked in the mirror - and quickly looked away.  Not much improved.  It was a beautiful day, however, and very nice to get out of the house.  The baby behaved wonderfully and we even had time to have lunch at Taco Bell!

Back at the house I nursed again, helped pull some weeds (no weed killer to be found on post), and took a much needed nap.  I'm not sure how long I slept, as I try not to look at the clock anymore... but it felt good.  I know it will help because I feel a long night coming on.  Skipping the coffee tonight in case I get a chance for an hour nap here or there.  Looking forward to some online poker, or maybe a good infomercial.  Perhaps I will post again in the wee small hours of the morning.  And like clockwork, the baby is stirring right now.  I DID have time for a grilled cheese sandwich and a nice bath and to finish this entry in between though, which is nice.

On Top of Everything Else

I am the wife of a soldier in the United States Army.  My husband has been going through the process of a medical discharge for the past six months.  We waited and waited while computers crashed and paperwork was misplaced, and suddenly, over the holidays we were told that everything had been settled and it was time to start clearing.  My husband has been working every day to tie up loose ends and clear out of the Army while I stay home and feed the baby.  We are stationed at Fort Irwin, which is literally smack dab in the middle of the Mojave Desert.  It is a lonely place, with the nearest town being 40 miles away.

I am still recovering from the birth and learning about how to care for a newborn and we have a little over a week to move to Phoenix, AZ.  My husband cooks dinner for us at night (something that I used to do every night) and cleans up.  He takes care of the cat litter, the garbage, and some of the laundry while I try to get the hang of breastfeeding.  During the day he has been getting the signatures required in order to leave, making arrangements for the movers and storage facility in Phoenix, enrolling our son in the Army's insurance program, and grocery shopping.  He sleeps in the spare bedroom so he can get the sleep he needs to make it through the day while I feed the baby through the night.  I miss him next to me at night.

The Army will be moving most of our household goods, while we just have to take care of all of the baby's belongings, our clothes, and our irreplaceable items.  We have a daunting six hour drive ahead of us with a small trailer, a newborn baby, two cats and the bare necessities.  We have some minor packing and cleaning to do before we go.  I am anxious to get to Phoenix where we have an amazing support system of friends and family awaiting us.  I will miss the wonderful friends I have made here, but I am anxious to get out of this place.  We have been here for over two years now and I have had enough.

Begin at the Beginning

I have been on this Earth for 30 years.  Never in that span of time have I realized the true meaning of the word tired until now.  My husband of three years and I talked about it and made the consensual decision to have a baby.  We tried for a couple of months and were successful!  This was one of the happiest days of our lives!  I had a smooth pregnancy, with no complications and hardly ever any discomfort.  I did a lot of yoga and ate well, indulging in my cravings and smiling, flattered, when people told me I was "all baby".  On New Years Eve my water broke and we called everyone excitedly and ran to the hospital.  That's when everything took a turn for the worse.

I had what is known as a "Traumatic Birth Experience".  It included 26 hours of hard labor, being pumped full of pitocin and pain medication through an epidural, third degree perennial and rectal tearing, postpartum hemorrhaging and three hours of reparation surgery.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done.  When I look at my beautiful boy I know it was all worth it, but I will never forget it (as some women say they do).

We brought our baby boy home a few days later, both of us having the bare minimum of experience with a newborn.  My mother was here to help for a couple of days, and I wept when she left.  We were on our own.  This brings us to now.  Our son is three weeks old today.  I have big black circles under my eyes, moss growing on my teeth, a pad the size of a diaper in my underwear, and an uncomfortable case of hemorrhoids.  The longest stretch of sleep I have managed to get is four hours.  I am determined to breastfeed, which is proving difficult (for lack of a better adjective).  My cub wants to eat approximately every two hours.  (ALWAYS - DAY AND NIGHT).

I do not want to scare people with this blog.  I am not by any means trying to deter people from procreating or to defile the beauty that is birth and life.  I just want to share my joys and sorrows and maybe find some kindred spirits out there that are having a difficult time themselves.  So please join me on my journey, new mothers and fathers, when you are sitting up in the middle of the night by the light of the monitor with heavy eyelids and a baby on your breast.